Last week in a nutshell

I wasn’t planning on doing another hentai review this soon, but I just couldn’t help myself. During my week-long P4A slump, I was window shopping in FYE when I noticed two things:  the new Blood on the Dancefloor CD on display has a sticker that says “For fans of Depeche Mode” and that there was a hentai lying around with Naruto and Nadia on the cover. Suddenly, my interest had piqued and I wanted to know more about such salacious material.

What I wasn’t prepared for was that this was created by MMG, the artists behind the Sailor and the 7 Ballz films and Star Ballz. Upon hearing this, I felt even more excited about the prospects of digging into another one of these crap fests, like if Zenigata discovered that Lupin were chained to his bed and he wasn’t able to escape this time. And so here we are, just me and the sexploits of poorly animated Naruto characters, courtesy of the Asylum Films of Hentai.

There is already promise from the very start as we see that they really kicked the budget up a notch in between this and Star Ballz with the exterior of a CGI submarine that would make James Cameron sob in his wads of money.

Yes, there was better computer animation in the 80′s than in this movie

Events take an off turn when we find out that within this submarine, Jean and Nadia from Secret of the Blue Water are having their long awaited sex scene, though MMC recycled this idea from their hit hentai “Mania – Secret of Green Tentacle” (yup, that exists)

Jean truly has hit rough times since 1989. First it was the meth addiction, then it was the reality shows, and now he’s in porn adaptations of his old series

As if it isn’t childhood-destroying enough to have Jean and Nadia fucking, Jean doesn’t even speak in a French accent as him and the rest of the cast are still as British as always. On top of that, Jean is an even bigger louse now that he’s older since his mechanic skills have gone to shit and he has to head to the gas pump alongside Nadia where an unlikely ninja is employed at.

Sadly, no one told Naruto that graduating from the Ninja Academy with a degree in Believing It wouldn’t land him a stable job in today’s economy

As expected, Jean’s career in flying his creations in the Red Bull Flugtag don’t land him too much money so he can’t afford to pay the $5.00 it took for Naruto to fill his gas up so he must trek out in a quest for 5 bucks as Naruto gets some funny ideas about being alone with Nadia.

I could have gone my life a happy man had I not seen Naruto with a rape face.

In the biggest betrayals to the original source material, Naruto actually wants to have sex with a woman and Nadia isn’t a vegetarian, as he propositions Nadia with  paying off the $5 debt with a sex scene that cost MMG $5 to make with repeated animations and sound bites from foreign hentai (I doubt “da me” was thought up by the phenomenal writing team).

A first person view of what Sasuke sees every night

On Jean’s front, instead of putting his mind into good plans like creating and selling inventions, he seeks help from Orochimaru who runs a weird hostel and promises that he’ll be able to make money pleasuring foreign women.

Watch out, Jean! Young boys are his type

His first exploits in whoring himself out see him having to service Sakura and Tsunade, whom I’d imagine were in need of attention that frankly Sasuke and Jiraiya respectively would be too far up their own asses to concern themselves with, let alone even think of the concept of pleasing their unrequiteds in the sack.

Why does Tsunade look like a 12 year old loli?

The focus switches to two other prostitutes, Sasuke and Shikamaru, who notice that there are girls that are awaiting their wangs. However, the two have some unfinished business to take care of before that.

Finally some yao-

Or they’re gonna be screwing these Pretty Cure girls who I’ve never heard of

Alongside the girls from Pretty Cure, they find the girls from Gundam Seed who are pleasuring themselves while watching the two with the other girls. Seeing that they’re finished with the Pretty Cure girls and that the Gundam Seed girls apparently await the two gigolo’s johnsons, Shikamaru and Sasuke decide to put the seed in Gundam Seed.

Not sure whether bare breasts or Shinn was a more offensive sight, so I put in both for good measure

Because they ran out of ideas 10 minutes ago, they decide to go back to Nadia who is on the submarine and is giving a personal striptease to herself. However, there is a janitor with an Italian accent that stumbles upon this.

I had special guest Nadia creator Hideaki Anno draw the censors here, but he ran out of ink so these crudely drawn breasts he made will have to do.

Nadia, however, catches onto this voyeurism and seeks to punish the Italian Janitor (yup, they got another one of those accents) for thinking that he can see her gams without her expressed written consent…

Lizbeth was never one to pull any punches when it came to sex offenders

…and she does this by rubbing her vag in his face and then sitting on his johnny. Makes perfect sense if you’ve taken several blows to the head, and if you survived the 20 minute mark then chances are you already have. The payoff isn’t any better as it ends with a tilted version of a cumshot that Naruto gave to Nadia earlier in the film.

I bet his nutbladder was punished big time

To sum it all up, I was hoping for something that was as goofy and dumb as the 7 Ballz movies but with this Naruto spin on it, it was just very boring. The plot didn’t have the substance or humor of their other movies, their source materials are tacked on as usual, and they mix their own crap ass voice actors with sound bites lifted from other hentai.

There are some improvements like the animation is slightly not as shit so they didn’t steal scenes from other hentai to pad out their movie (and instead padded it out with the same recycled sex animations) and it’s easier to find alluring since I’ve always had a thing for Nadia, but without any tongue-in-cheek moments holding it together or tearing itself apart, Ninja Love is a soulless mess that was only made because the creators needed to make money off of something to pay off that lawsuit George Lucas slapped on them for Star Ballz.